So sue me. I actually enjoy watching Blanche, Rose, Ma, and Man-Woman (what's her name?) on Lifetime.

This will be my eventual storehouse for boring, trite, repetitive, unimaginative pieces of my site. If you'd like to revert to an old favorite, this is the place you want to call home.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

- If you returned to your car and found a small mid-pubescent boy humping your car? Just a few nights ago, Erica and I were renting a movie and escaped into the parking lot, discovering Ben Ruth, Brandon McCool and John Rutledge putting some smooth moves on the young ladies working at TnT's yogurt. Calling out to the young rogues, they endeavored us to take them home with us. Refusing, we tried to make a hasty exit but they chased us, stopping in front of the car next to Erica's. Ben Ruth asked Erica if the BMW next to ther Corolla was hers. She assured him it was to give us time to unlock the doors of safety. His eyes widened and he cried, "Really? This beamer is yours? Daaammmnnn!" Without warning, he placed his hands upon the trunk of the brand new BMW and had his way with the virginal, white vehicle. As he was really going at it with the car, shaking the car up quite a bit for being such a young man, the owner and her two daughters walked up. The look of horror, disbelief, and pure embarassment on Ben Ruth's face as he halted mid-thrust was unbearably FUNNY. He stuttered out an apology and said, "I didn't know! Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know this was your car. I thought it was her car!" He turned on Erica while apologizing, crying, "YOU LIED TO ME! You told me this was your car!!!" We were all in hysterics... unfortunately, the BMW owner was not.

I cannot reveal the name of the main character of this story, but many of you can guess...

During a rousing morning period of PreCal, one of "Sark's Girls" had a problem with her fake leather, plasticky jacket. The zipper caught and she couldn't get it undone. Quite adept at playing the "damsel in distress", she interrupted our lesson to cry out hysterically, "Oh Sark! Sark! I'm stuck! I can't get the zipper undone! Omigosh, I can't get it down! AHHHHH!!" We all turned to look. Her alarm heightened as she screamed, "OOOH! I can't breathe! HELP ME! HELP ME! I'm stuck and I can't breathe!" (Which makes no sense because how could you not breathe if it's only because your zipper is stuck half zipped and half unzipped. But she isn't the brightest crayon in the box either.) I cracked a wry smile as Glenn, the gallant savior on a white horse, responded quickly, yelling, "Take it off! You have to take it off! I'll help you! I'll help you! Just take it off!" Conveniently, just as Glenn ran over to be a hero and to remove her extraneous clothing, she managed to get it unzipped. Giggling (which allows the surplus air to escape from her head), she smiled and said, "Oh, whew. I'm okay guys, I am okay. I was scared for a minute there." Glenn sure looked disappointed that he couldn't save her and undress her. We were all disappointed that she hadn't really had difficulty breathing and then maybe passed out for a minute or two. That would've been far more exciting than mastering the Law of Sines.

Lizzies Homework Acronym/Song!!

And now, an acronym for your pure enjoyment...

H is for Homo, as in Gay, because it is....

O is for Opossum, because you feel like hanging yourself after you finish....

M is for Mom, because she used to help you with your homework, until you became a teenager, and now you have to suffer and do it all by yourself. No more essays written by your mother.....

E is for Elephant...as in a ton, because that is how much homework you get....

W is for Wah, as in the Wahhmbulance because I spend more time complaining about my homework than actually doing it...

O is for Oranges...as in Oinges, as in Mrs Swann and teachers in general who give you hours of homework because they have nothing better to do than to waste your lives with busy work that sucks balls...

R is for Roger, because he never seems to know what he has for homework...

and K is for Kill, because you feel like killing things after finishing homework, or like killing your teacher for giving it to you in the first place..

the end
I love you!

I am Santa.

This is my elf.

And a very merry Christmas to you all!

This is the precious, revered, National Treasure of a Nick Shively. Ain't he great, kids?

Isn't he sexy?

Unfortunately (for Cammie), the picture does not reveal that he is grabbing my butt and I am humping his leg...

RETRACTION AND APOLOGY

Due to the extreme and unnecessary anger by one of the main proprietors of Cammie's Quest to Reclaim his Manhood, my critically acclaimed tastiness had to be reMOVED. Maybe it is hiding around here. But if your name is Cammie... it's been deleted and is Heaven-bound. I'm deeply aggrieved and truly sorry for the pain I have caused any individual who feels he or she was disastrously mis-represented. In my own defense, I simply cut and pasted. There was no bias intended in my narration. So if you looked gay, well, honey, maybe you are! My final statement is one too good to pass up.

Today, the circus reconvened with an extra intermission of 15 minutes. Glenn was prodded to repeat "Your nasty!" but he was unable to reproduce the coined phrase with the original gusto. He blamed it on my innocent site for repeating it so often that he could no longer use it anymore. Always quick to defend a friend (without much forethought on his part), the noble and valiant and extremely hetero-sexual Cammie cried, "Yeah! And now I can't say 'I'M NOT GAY' anymore!" Now just say that out loud to yourself, carefully deleting all those inconvienient quotation marks and apostrophes. Oh yeahh... hell yeahh... who's been misrepresented now, bitch?

Too bad... you're missing out on the Taz slippers. That stupid VIBRATING stuffed animal has been in 95% of the boys' laps in our Physics class and then shoved unceremoniously in my face.

Indisputable proof of Cammie's sexual preference. He MUST like women.

Curiously Quotable

"Don't touch my NIPPLE!"
- Cameron (though Glenn's finger was merely upon his shoulder... Cameron just says, "I just like to say the word 'nipple'. It's a cool word.")

"If I'm driving to Ventura we have to go shopping!"
- Larry the Ferry

nic-TIT-tate:
noun, 1. to fart by winking, ie. Despite the home-made patch over Erica's eye, she managed to nictitate loudly. ; 2. the reaction of Nick Shively upon seeing Penipply Cruz's enlarged boobie during a showing of "Vanilla Sky".

"CHILDREN! Cooooommmme to meeeee!"
- Nick San Juan (After discussing a Michael Jackson reunion show on HBO, saying this while spreading his arms and legs wide so that he might gather all the children who respond to this call to his breast)

"Two hands, FOO!"
- Nick San Juan (yelling this in Glenn's face as first semester fifth period physics faces a mock trial of Glenn's third and final driving test)

The Fight to Reclaim Cameron's Manhood!

8/20/01

One fearless critic states her open opinion on Cameron's questionable sexuality:

"You should write about our brave friend Cameron who is battling the closet! Stand tall, Cameron! Be free!"

Fear reigns our quite, quaint village as tempers erupt in firey defense. Some viewers believe Cameron Porter has been portrayed as gay on this site. Folks, I speak only the truth and fail to embellish. Yes, my life really IS this interesting. But I do love my friends and respect their wishes, no matter how much it pains me inside. Cameron demands a quest to be inacted to preserve his precious manhood. Let our adventure begin.

CAMMIE: Huh? How come all my quotations portray me as gay? It's a bit disturbing. Show the well-rounded Cameron. You could quote me saying "Cameron ain't down for the butt-hammering."

* Sigh, he's making this way too easy. All I do is copy word for word and let him dig his own grave. At least it's entertainment and you can draw your own assumptions. He has a girlfriend/lover. I almost feel guilty. It's like hunting out of season!

My feelings on Cameron: You're SO weird!

Minutes later...

CAMMIE: I'm portrayed as such a flamer on your site. Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan), Rose Nyland (Betty White), Ma (Estelle Gettey), Dorothy Zbornak (Bee Arthur). So cruel. Just cause I know a great deal of info about Golden Girls (for instance, Dorothy is divorced from Stanley Zbornak) doesn't make me gay.

The Response Should Be:
"little cameron finally found his niche with a young boy named Sven from Sweden. they make sweet butt love each night with gusto. Good for him. Nice going Cameron!"
We applaud those who conquer the closet and achieve happiness and contentment! Stand tall, gay men! Be FREE!


CAMERON'S FINAL STATEMENT: I'M NOT GAY.

You better believe it!

And now for something just a little bit beyond demented...
"have you seen the episode where Blanche ties a cherry stem into constellations? very hot, even by old lady standards."

Now that's just sick.

8/23/01

And the battle rages on...

Cameron seems to suffer from a sick obsession with my website and finding himself featured here. Doesn't matter if he's painted as gay (which is not too difficult) or if he's revered as a sex symbol, he just likes his name in big letters.

An excerpt from last night's exchange:

Cammie: I don't do gay shit or deal with men's cocks/I'm a hot male (hotmail), so ladies, I'll be all up in your inbox!

Cammie: My inbox rhyme, eh? But speaking of gay stuff, Queer as Folk is actually a really good show

Cammie: It is a really good show. Except for the sex scenes..."Ooh, does it always hurt this much?"

Cammie: I'm just telling you. Or when they drive down the street screaming "I'm a faggot" after some kids have vandalized their car and spray painted FAG in big pink letters on the side.

Cammie: It's a rite of passage. Or should I say assage, eh-heh (pimp laugh).

Letter from the Editor -
I only talk to Cameron for pure entertainment and material for my site. I must say he comes through with shining colors every single time.

9/2/01

Cammie says:
"Yeah, I think so. I gots to go though, that's a nono, I aint a homo, so don't go claiming gay, I aint that's fosho"

Bitchbaleevit!

This picture is also available in poster format and wallpaper sheets, buy here, buy now, buy often and in mass quantities!

Now, if you don't know who Tim Carroll is, the oftentimes, main feature of my site, this is the big hunk of man meat, all 400 odd pounds of him. Just look at the manly curve of his impregnated belly and the beauty one finds when gazing into his eyes for longer than 2 seconds. Don't drool on your keyboard, it might short out.

Now, if you don't want to VOMIT, please, stop reading this section....

Kelly Human, the competition and his girlfriend, seems to be very liberal with her sex life. Perhaps this is why she is with Tim Carroll (TC for our purposes). An extremely unreliable source informed me that TC got with Zach Sumner one cold and lonely night. Hence the phrase "GAYER THAN TIM CARROLL!" Apparently Kelly swings both ways. I forget what drunkard at my lovely school informed me that he had photographic proof of her gettin it on with a woman, but she turned and confirmed it with a sick smile. Maybe it was Nicole Merlo and both were so drunk that they believed the other one to be a man. It's an honest mistake! Well, daily, Kelly makes loud announcements about her lively sex life with the big TC. His parents will be out of town for two weeks, so don't bother driving by, unless you'd like to lose your sight permanently. Sex sex sex. Nasty.

Why Football Games are so Damn Exciting!

* Where else can you view (without binoculars) Glenn I and friends in tight fitting spandex? Oh wait... I mean, if you exclude swim practice and Cammie and Glenn's freestyle recording sessions.

* Where else can you sit with the hottest secretary on campus? Yes, Roger Lopez goes to the games! Erica and I purposely situate ourselves next to him. I cannot believe how incredibly OBLIVIOUS and perpetually DENSE he is! Yes, he is an amazing individual, somewhat selectively autistic. He never noticed that Erica was trying to shove my hand up his rectum for the course of 10 minutes and only turned around to inform Erica that she almost hit my head against the bleachers. He barely noticed when Erica succeeded in shoving an unexpecting Lacey's shoe up Roger's big butt.

* Where else will you be flashed by attractive men? Definitely not in any other sport. Upon running off the field, many impregnated football players hike up their shirts to reveal giant pads and gargantuan NATURAL pads on their bulbous bellies. Now just picture that covered in glittering hair. Can you say yum? Also, Roger likes to jump up at exciting moments and almost drop his pants. Here's a clue: Roger, don't wear those stupid white boxers with little auburn stripes. They just don't compliment your ass.

* Where else does the allure of Tim Carroll originate from? Being as Tim Carroll is Righetti's resident football hero, he only graces the front page courtesy of football. I also would not have the arsenal of freaky stories about Tim Carroll without the football locker room and my little spy, undercover as a puny wannabe football player. Tim Carroll would have no where and no one to piss on if there weren't showers to be had after football practice! Tim Carroll also would not get all the ass that he does (suprising enough) without his football rep. I mean, his blue mustang bumping Peaches N Cream can't get him ALL the tang he gets!

* Where else would you -hopefully- see Cammie all spirited up? Cammie says he will support Glenn I in his athletic endeavors. Although, as any straight man would, he refuses to take in all the speedo-ed up men for swimming, so he opts for football. He also refuses to paint his face or dress up in school colors. Bad experiences, he claims, of Spirit Days when Roger left him wearing a gay purple shirt as the Peanut-butter-less Jelly. Cammie says he will instead show his support by dressing up as Glenn's character in PDE (what the F?), Pimpmaster Schizazz. Now, Cammie in pimpwear, ie. maribou, pink, fur coats, bad teeth, that's funny.

* Where else do you see Sark and Mr. Kollar dressed up as spandexed bumble bees? Only at football games! Oops, forgot a word... I mean, only at powderpuff football games!

* Where else are you protected by pre-pubescent security guards that a handicapped midget could beat up? Exactly. No where else.

* Where else are mini footballs thrown and in a sorry attempt to catch one, Roger Lopez falls on top of a few unsuspecting women and takes a pregnant pause, just lying there, catching his breath? Do I even have to answer that one?

* Where else are Erica and Christina able to completely lose their voices? I love screaming and yelling and harassing others. Football games are the perfect opportunity!

* Where else would Sarah get the idea to yell obscene Halloween inspired lines? Yes, only at St. Joes football games. Such choice lines created as... "Send those pumpkins rolling!" "It's time to harvest the pumpkins!"

See? Despite the fact that our team licks balls, it's still fun and draws quite a crowd. Glenn I does not get the recognition he deserves. Go Glenn!

Presenting me. In my time-tested, aero-dynamic, sound barrier busting Shaggin Wagon. Complete with my very own bumper sticker reading "I lost my virginity at Warped". The irony of this: 1. This isn't my wagon. 2. I didn't go to Warped. 3. I haven't lost my virginity.


Nicholas Shively

1. Tim Carroll reminisces with a naughty, secretive smile about peeing in the sandbox with Nick.

2. Nick's sister has been described as Nick with long blonde hair.

3. Nick is in love with Tool. He also loves his Metallic shirt which reads "Metallic" in bold letters with a computer generated picture of him nakey, jumping into a fire with a bottle of beer.

4. Nick's favorite teacher is Mr. Krob. Even though Nick is no longer in his class, Krobie and Nick get together on Monday nights to watch Wrestle Mania, pick their own wrestling names, and get it on on the floor!
- Side Note: Okay, I don't who this was who was dumb enough to ask me this... but no, they did not have sex! This is not all true!!! -

5. Nick invited me to play paintball with him one weekend. We were going to sleep together in the woods and ride horses. He lives in the boonies with an expansive forest behind the Shively Ranch. When I declined (due to excessive school work), Nick sighed and said, "But I wanted to shoot you!" <-- that part's not a lie!

6. When I was serving my well-deserved, dress code earned detention hours in the library, dusting bookshelves, Nick voluntarily helped me get the top shelves. That was when we fell in love and cruel as love can be, Nick was evicted from the library for helping me by Mrs. Jetter. I love him!

7. Nick Shively is not his only name... he has a number of aliases. Let me break down a few, more commonly used ones:
- Shivly (thanks to Mrs. Swann)
- Shiv (thanks to me)
- Skinny Vinny (thanks to Nolan, Scott, Glenn, Billy Traigo, and Bill)
- Sheevely (thanks to Ms. Curlee)
Now is Shively really that hard to sound out? Goodness gracious, people!

8. My favorite fun fact about Nick... When dared to rub Fr. Tim's belly and call him Daddy (without warning), Nick declined. Sigh. However, he did offer to do that to Fr. Tom, no dinero necesario! Now picture Nick leaning over Fr. Tim, rubbing his belly, calling him Daddy. Then he moves over to Fr. Tom and rubs his belly while calling him Daddy.

PS. This offer is still on the table! Drew, Erica, Rachelle, and I will cough up 10 dollars total to the brave soul who will approach Fr. Tim, rub his belly and call him Daddy.

PPS. An offer that was taken up! But, it's still open... Chase Matt Barba around the gym while trying to hump him. I mean, just walk up to him and start fffffreak dancing with him. Then when he runs to hide in the boys' bathroom, prowl around the door, waiting for the moment he runs out and you can pursue with the boning again!

9. Attention, all in dire need of some good entertainment: Nick Shively, Billy Traigo, and Nolan Maxwell have volunteered to get humped by my lonely goat. Clyde is very, very excited about this. So am I! For some strange reason, Nolan created this crackpot scheme in his head, pretending my goat is a bloody, psychotic killer and will try to take the lives of his friends. I have tried, Erica has tried, and Lizzie has tried to explain that he must remove the idea of "killing" and replace it with "raping". He's pretty dense. So there will be sex in my backyard on Sunday with video cameras! (Hey, sort of like Cammie's bedroom, minus the sex.)

My Quizzies, Pollies, Testes

Which of the following couples or groups should never be allowed to shepherd offspring into this world in each other's company? For you stupid people: Check the box of who shouldn't have sex with each other.

And... the results are in.

A whopping three of you sent in responses to my Reproductive Teste and here are the compiled results. For those of you who were confused by the instructions, click one of the round circle thingies and make sure you click submit afterwards.

A - 25%
Is this not weird enough for you? These are TWO different people... not Glenn having sex with himself!

B - 25%
Pick the two yummiest individuals on our humble planet earth and allow them to bone each other... and watch the result grow! Here's some food for thought: which one would pop the babies out? You really wouldn't notice a difference in their physique after they should be at the point of "showing". Their offspring are undoubtedly going to be pro football prodigies fresh from the womb and have their fathers' smooth ways with the ladies.

C - 0%
What? No Brandon and his twin? Well, then why did Glenn I and II snag such high ranking results?

D - 0%
Okay, guess what, this almost happened. A few years ago, Chabby escorted Ms. Santos out for a night on the town. Who knows what resulted, if Ms. Santos beat and berated Chabby or if Chabby's mother didn't approve... needless to say, don't date your co-workers. Especially if he resembles more of a Planet of the Apes' set escapee. (Please note: I love Ms. Santos! Thank God she didn't get with Chabs! She's too good and she's got lots of hot old men vying for her hand.)

E - 25%
The scary part is... this might happen. This may have already happened. Can a ruler aid in the act of impregnating a woman? And wait til the school board catches wind of this scandal! Remember, you heard it first at my site!

F - 50%
Those polled commented that Jack Scott has an elephant fetish... that could be iffy. Unless elephants are distantly related to dinosaurs.

L is for the way you Look at me
O is for the only One i see
V is very, very, extra-Ordinary
E is Even more than anyone that you adore and love is all that I can give to you, love is more than just a game for two. Two in love can make it, take my heart but please don't break it. Love was made for me and YOUUUUU!

My contact page, so you can harass my friends via the magic of the internet, disguised as a simple Dating Service!

I am the Master here!

Tsuyuki, Christina

I'm short and I'm sexy, my love's divine. I can't remember what song that's from, but it never really picked up momentum around these parts. Despite the indisputable fact that I've pledge my hand in marriage to scores of young men, I'm not opposed to casual sex on the side. Comment on my website, but do not ask me for a nude pic. I don't have one... for you, that is. I am not here for your mastubatory pleasures, so don't think that I'm implying anything sexual when I say dirty, nasty things.

How can I be your lover?
There are a variety of ways. You could do a little kinky dance for me. Maybe in a costume, like a loincloth or an old man's bathrobe. I enjoy pole dancing, humping the bedpost. I enjoy frequent trips to the Spearmint Aiken, where Mr. Aiken headlines the erotic show. You could imitate one of my favorite women, Drew Barrymore. That worked for Krobie, who mastered the Charlies Angels haircut. Don't brush your teeth and please, make an underwear tan or an artificial one with self-tanner. And make sure to get all over your legs, don't miss spots due to excess leg hair. You can be bitchy to me one minute and call me a psycho bitch and then ignore me the next, because Lord knows, that turns me on! Or I just throw Midol in your face. You can be yummy and the stupidest valedictorian loser in the school and I will still fall for you. You can try to build a bonfire beneath me, although it isn't surefire way to lure me into your bed. Dress up as a zebra and name your sister after a bakery good (with an 'ehhh' at the end. For example, Crossante" Wear disco pimp wear and shiny jeans like Christine's, lead cheers, and ask me if I know how to "ffffreak dance?" and I will tutor you. You could trap me with fine baking skills, especially cupcakes, by rapping up a storm as your alter ego "The Great White Rapper", dropping your pants which gets the cops called on us, and doorbell ditch your own house as your mother yells out the door, "BRANDON! I know that's you! Get away from the door!" Or, to make it simple, tell me your name is Brandon!

Christina's AIM sn: ThaAikenator

Christina's email: alilsugarnsp1c3@hotmail.com

Hatch, Erica

My very best friend in the world, the one whom I love and adore above all others. She gives me all the memories, jokes, and material for this site every time we talk. She's cute, bouncy, possesses the most beautiful spirit I've ever known, smart, hardworking, compassionate, caring, she goes that extra mile to make everything just right. She's also kinky, a lot of fun, wheezes like my grandpa when the wind kicks up, and she responds well to vulgarity.

How can I win this sex fiend's heart?
Erica responds extremely well to carefully crafted pick up lines. A few that have snagged her heart... "Do you like pancakes? Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, me neither." and "You have 206 bones in your body. How would you like to have 207?" and "How would you like your eggs? Deviled, scrambled, or fertilized?" If your name is Charlie, she'll gladly meet you for sex. She loves male dancers of the ballerina persuasion or of the erotic persuasion. So if you wear tights and pick up children or you wear Ugg boots while climbing bedposts and chanting "Curious George", Erica will become helpless with wheezing and then you can take her home with you.

Erica's AIM sn: Aiken4MyBacon

Erica's email: CurlySuue@aol.com

Noble, Drew

Sounds like the Children of Chernoble. This girl is crazy, sexy, and way too much fun. I don't know where she gets these hilarious thoughts, but just the way she chooses her words and the inflection of her voice can make the most ordinary word priceless. She is also fun to cuddle with and weave intricate tales of sex, lust, forbidden fruit, desire, and more hot sex.

How can I hook up with this hot bitch?
Hang around Blockbuster on late nights, scour the eighties "comedy" and "favorites" section... it looks like freaky soft-porn. Drew is often spotted there, critiquing and comparing each box. All the women seem to have long, arched necks and the burly man is kissing their necks or breasts. Without informing or warning Drew, just attempt to reinact one of the boxes.

Drew's AIM sn: DrewNoble

Drew's email: DrewNoble@cs.com